Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
