I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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