Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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