I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
