I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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