I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
