I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
