shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
