Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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