Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
