dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
