Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
