i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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