i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
