I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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