I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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