The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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