he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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