Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
