Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
