What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
