I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize