We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
