I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
