I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Come see our sink grown plant.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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