Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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