Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
