Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
