turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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