The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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