Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
