Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
