wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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