Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
