So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
