ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
