So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
