If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my shit smells like andre
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
