I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
