dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
