I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
