Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
