he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
