They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will be naked everywhere
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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