I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
