he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
