Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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