Pappa wants mamma naked
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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