i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
