Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
