he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
it glows. i had to have it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
