3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
