; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
