omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
