worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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