I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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