maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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