I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
