Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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