Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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