I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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